When I was ass deep in sex(y) work, I heard a common story: “I’m married,” they said. “I love my wife more than anything, but we don’t really have sex anymore.” One guy (married), dipped his toe in after he found out he had terminal cancer. Another was a caretaker for his wife who had too many medical problems to have sex. Yet another simply had married a woman who’d lost her sex drive. Occasionally it would be someone who simply wanted a little bit of novelty.
This was complicated. I don’t like being the “other woman”; I like clear, open communication and consent with all parties involved. In my personal life I absolutely do not fuck with anyone monogamous, ever. But my business was being sexy; if they didn’t watch me, there were a hundred other girls happy to take their money instead. I’m here for a transaction; your personal life is not my business. Still though, I felt a little weird.
I also felt sad. These men would often tell me how much they loved their wives (or girlfriends). “I would never leave her,” I heard. “She’s a strong, incredible woman”. I never once heard anyone talking shit; every single person who mentioned a romantic partner talked about them lovingly. Often they were conflicted; they knew what they were doing would hurt their partner if they found out. But they had needs – they felt emasculated and lonely in their relationships.
“I do this because it’s compartmentalized,” they would tell me. “I’m not pursuing a girl at my work or neighborhood or anything – the transactions here are a safe boundary so this doesn’t affect my home life at all.”
It started to feel weird that they had to keep me such a secret. I felt bad for them that they were trapped in a culture that shamed extra-relationship sexuality so much. Why should it be so wrong that they seek to fill their needs of physical intimacy?
Of course, doing this “correctly” would mean to talk to their partners, explain their needs, and see me with full consent of all parties involved. I often suggested this – why don’t you talk to your wife? But the answers were all the same. “She’d leave me if I suggested it” or “She’d absolutely say no” or “I already tried and she freaked out.”
Sometimes I’d ask if they considered leaving her to find a more open relationship. “I can’t,” they’d say. “I’m 65 and we have a house and grandkids. I can’t destroy my whole life just because of this.”
I’m not saying violating an agreement with your partner is a good thing – there are many difficult situations where the best solution is not a good solution. I am saying that there are a lot of people – probably mostly men – for whom violating the agreement with their partner is the best option available to them, even taking into account their love for their family, because the other choice is unbearable.
They didn’t know it would be unbearable; our culture gave them no warning. The monogamy contract – even for people who consider themselves monogamous – is so basic, default, and universal that people sign the marriage certificate with the same naivite as eighteen year olds sign themselves into mass amounts of college debt.
And like college debt, it’s seen as the “thing to do” – the necessary step in order to perform the correct dance in life. “No one will hire you if you don’t go to college” is akin to “No one will build a life with you if you don’t agree to monogamy”. People don’t question it. Everyone’s doing it.
But unlike the student loan crisis, the epidemic of intimacy-starvation is suffered silently. We don’t care about it, because it affects primarily men and we care less about men’s emotional wellbeing. We violently shame those who are caught trying to fill their needs – we mock them, divorce them, take their kids away.
Of course not all cheating is like this; many genuinely do not care for their partners, don’t even try communicating their needs, and view themselves entitled to lots of sexual novelty without regard for the feelings of those around them. This is definitely something they have a lot of freedom to avoid, and I agree shaming these habits will probably end up helping everyone involved.
But lots of cheating is done with intense guilt and reluctance – and almost all of it is done at least somewhere on the spectrum between “sociopath” and “kind lonely old man”. It’s gotten to the point that usually when I hear a tale of cheating – particularly in longer-term relationships – my sympathies go equally to both the cheater and the cheatee. They were both caught in an unsustainable arrangement, fed the powerful old story that sexual intimacy is equal to love and commitment, and then blamed themselves (typically the cheater) when this story fails to be realistic or sustainable.
Sex work of all forms – camming, stripping, escorting, etc. – seems to be a good solution as a way for men in intimacy-starved relationships to get their needs met in a tightly compartmentalized way that won’t threaten the rest of their lives.
And this also means people don’t need to do full-blown polyamory, where their partners fully date other people. I’m not necessarily advocating for that – only to release our death grip on the monogamous system that’s so strict it ends up hurting people. Let’s loosen it a little bit, and realize that very often, extra-marital intimacy can do far more good than it can harm.
It’s insane that we got to the point where our culture is both so sexually open and where the only two socially-approved options are either “explode your entire life” or “never experience sexual intimacy with someone again”.
Currently I the woman is looking for more sex and more intimate encounters… while my partner is the one who doesn’t always want it. He does look at porn and such regularly. That can put a damper on things only because man I’d do anything for more on a regular basis! I’m not upset he looks, sometimes I do too because I want to fulfill my needs. Sometimes my mind wanders to well if he isn’t able to give me what I need what do I do next? It’s such a tricky spot to be in. I’ve tried talking to him but we get no where. He just gets angry with me.
This is me. I’ve never had physical relations with another woman, but I’ve resorted to online interactions to get some form of affection. I haven’t had a good hug from my wife in decades, aside from when receiving news of a death. However, these days my main goal online is to make friends, with sexy times reserved for those who are ok with how I’m handling things, and even then, as an optional secondary thing. No pressure. Id much rather have a typed out hug than get off and have things feel awkward and gross. I don’t tell her about what I do because it would be disruptive. I haven’t left because it would be disruptive, and parenting is difficult. And divorce is expensive. But we’ve gotten to where we just get along best by staying out of each other’s way. It’s not a great environment for the kids, but they’re loved, clothed, fed, educated, and safe. The kids are almost grown (and they’ve mostly turned out ok), and I’m hoping we can someday soon find a way to part civilly if not amicably. I’m trying to figure it out. I’m not saying this is the right way to do it. But if I do sleep with someone in person again, I will be divorced when I do it. And my next partner will be someone I can talk to, with whom I can work things out, or find an amicable way to close things out. I don’t think I’ll be getting married, though. Thank you for leaving room for a gray area, for those of us who are just trying to balance responsibility and personal well being the best we can in less than healthy circumstances.
You are a really good writer. Super talented and artistic.
I have been one of those men whose wife did not understand the need for variety but who also had very low libido and no sex drive for many years. She considered any other activity than monogamous relationship activity as forbidden. Now that we are older and have been married for over 20 years, she has begun to open up, we have discussed polyamory and she is open to watching or listening together some. I guess its better late than never, though its difficult to get my head around now. Thanks for opening the discussion
I don’t think of porn as cheating. Neither does my wife. Porn is great shared together and made together, but is also good on your own. Adultery in the mind is basically thought-crime, and that notion of infidelity is usually held by members of puritanical religions. The only thing bad about porn is trying to find porn where the people are not forced/coerced into doing it. The advent of cams where the sex worker is in control is awesome.
If you have not previously, I would suggest that you check out the work of Dan Savage (https://www.thestranger.com/authors/259/dan-savage). He is an author, advocate for the LGBTQI+ community, and sex advice columnist and seems like an all-around good human being. He has some great writing on the complexity of societal pressures toward monogamy and cheating. Great stuff.
If you are familiar with him, sorry for the redundancy, just thought you might find his perspective an interesting addition to your thoughts.
Be well!
This is an interesting perspective on cheating. I have noticed women’s need for sex decreases as the relationship progresses. While men’s tends to stay the same. Maybe polygyny is the answer to this .
Wow, once upon a time I met a fellow neighbor in the apt complex and we became friends. Our relationship was based on her dog, then it was about us. We only had 1 night together after several weeks of hanging out. She was in a postponed relationship. After we had sex that 1 time, I didn’t hear from her for awhile. I do remember that her and her BF had gotten back together and ironed out many of the major kinks in their relationship.
So yes to, let’s be real about how unhealthy monogamy truly is!
PS I never shamed her, or harbored any I’ll feelings towards her or our quick relationship. I now think of it as a service provided and am happy to have helped out another human!
I’m curious if the prevalence of this is actually more common among males. I do agree with the cultural pressures you mentioned but I also don’t see why they wouldn’t affect women equally. Good data on this subject is probably very scarce, but it makes me wonder.
There’s a great series called “explained” on Netflix. They have an episode on Monogamy that is fascinating. In the episode one part mentions a tribe that the women encourage multiple guys to also with her to get pregnant. The idea is that all the men will take a role as a father figure. I find the idea fascinating. I mean why not?
At the beginning of the posy,you mention feeling weird and sad around the issue. I was wondering if you would be willing to share more information about your feelings around the issue? Many women have communicated the following to me: When a man has sexual contact with a women other than his wife, and the wife does not know, he is a cad. When a man has sexual contact with a man other than his wife, and the wife does not know, he is considered “gay.” When a woman has sexual contact with a man or women other than his wife, and the husband does not know, she is simply getting her needs fulfilled.
The day my girlfriend thinks of porn as cheating, will be a cold day in hell.
I’m always surprised (as is she) when we hear that there are people whom consider porn a form of cheating. I’d consider it fodder for the imagination. A slightly more visually stimulating form of masturbation, even.
I know this is rare. But learning about polyamory after 30 years of wonderful marriage, marred by fifteen years of no physical desire on my wife’s part, allowed us to reach an understanding in which she supports my seeing sex workers as adding something to my happiness that she can’t, and doesn’t want to. Because this is such an act of love it has strengthened our relationship, and provided a thrilling addition to my life. A win for all.
Consistent with this story (which I’ve told you, Aella), I couldn’t agree more that society should support this. It’s sad I don’t feel able to share this story widely–it should reflect well on all concerned. But it wouldn’t.
The two major issues you didn’t address are insecurity and guilt.
The insecurity comes from the partner at home which then leads to the guilt of the partner having sex.
The insecurity doesn’t just stay based on, “I not sexy enough” it grows to, “I’m going to lose everything.”
That’s when the power struggles begin which leads to the break up. The sex was just the catalyst.
Ancient cultures had festivals the were used to allow participants an extra-monogamous romp. The Bacchanalia and Beltane were times when everyone could put aside marital obligations and fuck around, and that annual release seemed to prevent the canning of emotions we see in modern culture.
Mostly, the problems are much deeper in the underground. If you see other sexual partners – no matter if it’s sex workers – without consent, you are not happy with that relationship. Oftentimes people don’t realise how unhappy they are with their spouses. I saved it for after the breakup, but even finding other women attractive never happened when I was still in love.
I totally agree, to be between social fear and sexual desire. It is something they will keep all their life, and the sad thing is that life, there is only one.